Sensibility

"How much I feel the impact of life on who I am" is my personal definition of sensibility. It depends on understanding of both myself and the things that happen. A victim mentality may choose or be addicted to perceiving everything as happening against myself. A conquering personality may choose to overcome instead of submitting to the first response. There are actually infinite number of responses to the same occurrence. This shows the chaos and wonder of humanity, depending on how you see it.

Many people think that only one interpretation is of reality is valid. But it is obvious that we all see the world through complicated filters that they can distort it to our advantage or detriment. This has to do with feelings. They make up who we are and can be mysteriously flighty changing from one moment to the next.

We have devised many ways to numb the effects of "bad feelings" like pain, depression, anger, sadness. Ignoring drugs, we have certain habits that can lift us up out of our lows like exercise, sex, a chat, eating, writing, music, schedules or just keeping busy. To avoid our feeling altogether is just as harmful as being tossed about by them like waves in the ocean.

Making sense of our feelings can be the most important thing we do to get to know our own self. But it is hard because it feels lonely and lack objectivity. For no one really knows how we are feeling except us. And we sometimes cannot express how we feel accurately because we don't ourselves know why we feel good or bad. There are just too many variables.

When I was a kid, it was easier for me to find positives from in all things because not much has happened yet to bring me down. But as I felt like I had been brought to near defeat in just about every area of my life, symbolized by my prison experience, where you are left with your own demons surrounded by negativity all around, with no immediate escape.

In literature to be imprisoned socially or psychologically is a recurring theme. I thought everything would be over upon my release. Yes, it is true that food tastes better, freedom of movement sweeter and you do appreciate the niceties of life much more. I thought that getting back on my feet and getting back to earning a living would mean getting back to normality. After all I was only there 18 days.

But every moment since, seemed to have greater impact me. The ups and downs, hope and hopelessness, happiness and depression.... I tried to get on with life as before enjoying everything more than before but something else changed. I wanted to give up my dreams just to live in peace as I had mentioned often in my blogs, which may have helped weaken my body. But I also gained a new sensitivity that I had lost during many years of "success".

I have changed how I eat, look, see, hear, hope, dream, love, feel..... I feel like a different person today because sensibility is back. But I finally know how to handle them to my advantage. Unlike my youth though, I am able to deal with the dread of the darkest moments.

This is absolutely needed to lead, to create, to chart an new path in life. For no one knows what the next moment will bring. There are few scheduled assignments or preset performance standards. So you cannot know if you are doing well or badly in the grander scheme of things, whose conclusion is unknown without any deadline. It is both freeing and frightening.

So in my preparation I had time to deal with firstly myself and my feelings, those who are close to me and I am free now to seek out new allies on a new journey. It takes time. It's about change, It holds on to hope in all things. And I am psyched to experience each moment the ocean of life will bring.

No wonder I felt like I was in both the desperate almost lifeless calm and the sudden battering or insurmountable waves, that exist in the doldrums of my life. All this is to prepare me for the real thing.

It just took time.

Comment

"Comment" in French means how. They say this instead of "what" when asking you to repeat something. Incidentally, "how" has become the focus of my life because many "whats" that I wanted were withheld. Even the patent pending idea of mine is about how technology is used.

Most of society is still obsessed with what. To be the biggest, richest, most powerful, gold medalist, most popular and so it goes. Some cultures desire something more. And I believe all of us want a change in how we live.

When I studied 20th Century French literature, existentialism was a major theme. The absurdity of established reasons for existing was rejected to live in the moment. Freedom from the past and future that seems non-existent if you focus on the instantaneous present was seen as the only way to avoid the senseless things that bog us down. Of course the meaning of order and responsibility are the issues people use to object to the philosophy. Some even judge the view to be immoral.

Yet the truth that we can't fix the past or ensure our future without living each moment of life at a time is more about HOW. It is no coincidence that the best selling novel associated with existentialism is "the stranger" by Albert Camus that sold 7 million copies in French and translated into 40 languages, was actually not intended to be existentialist. He said he only wanted to write about someone not willing to "play the game". The famous first lines of the novel "Today, mom died. Or was it yesterday. I don't know." speaks for itself.

For me, the sensibility of existentialism is to value and live out each moment to the full. I found it really hard because I was used to tending to all the things "on my plate". Sometimes, the extent I wanted to be prepared is much too large to be practical. That's when the popular quote "Life is what happens when you're making other plans" rings true.

Since so many things have become predictable and timetabled in our industrial age, it is natural to assume that once you have tended to the items waiting for us to complete, be it our job, our relationships and even our children, success is on the way. Fulfillment in completing assignments has become a good drug for satisfaction. It is true to a degree.

Except we are not just creatures of habit. A fire sometimes burns inside. We have something to say, want to reach out to people, create something different, want to tell a story with words, music, sights and sound.... It is what makes us human.

But true to the industrial age, we only look at the end result like a product. Not HOW we lived. But as each moment of our lives can be documented and shared instantly with whoever is interested, HOW is more important than WHAT.

I found it hard to focus on the moment because few things in life reach fruition in an instant. We often don't know why we are doing something driven by our passion. The journey is the point. And the product (if any) is just a way to celebrate the life that brought us there.

So when faced with the turning point of the information age, I can see how being grateful for each moment is the essence of reality. If the past and the future depend only on what we do at any instant, HOW we live is so vital. For it is in being grateful, thankful that I am in tune with myself. Once that happens you can decide how you want to live, with or without a concept of God. Either way, you are the only one qualified to decide how we treat each other.

If all of life is about how we relate to our world instead of making some product... well maybe our products will be love, kindness, healing, growth without sacrificing our world for something we use then discard.

These songs celebrate being grateful and thankful for life. Whether you believe in God or not but we can all agree that each moment is a gift we have.

Destiny

I don't believe in destiny if it is a fixed final outcome in life. The only sure things are that we were born and that we will die. What happens in between should be free for us to pursue, amend and create.

So much of life seems to follow patterns we are kind of trapped by our current habits. The worst habits are addictions to harmful things like drugs or gambling. It's easy to over due even good things and have them take over our lives. There seems to be so many prejudices, assumptions and obligations that crowd us, most of us resign to some pattern we find hard to break.

Because everyone else is living a certain way, we will follow. Out of fun, necessity, pressure... I thought I had to actively resist. But a better way is to know what I want.

It sounds preposterous to believe you can actually get what you want. I was taught to compromise, make do, pay my dues, seek out opportunities and climb up some ladder of leadership. All these are good skills to make a living.

This pic is from the game "Destiny" and I feel like the being in a rising vehicle above the planet

But actual living is about HOW I treat people including myself. We all need to create something. The most natural and popular is children. I love children even though I have none. This is because I am pushed by something else that might change HOW we live and love.

Finally, through all the doubts and fears and personal obstacles that have filtered through my years of relative solitude, silence and outward emptiness, I am filled and motivated by purposeful resilience.

Destiny is the deep passion that I had through out my life. I now see there is a kind of pattern that has to do with me and the way I lived, the people in my life and the vision that pulls me. It took me this long to isolate it and follow it through. The outcome is unknown except that I'll enjoy the discovery in people, in expression until the end.

This song rang in my head during my 18 day sojourn in a Chinese backwater prison 9 years ago. I never really paid attention to it before that. It was my way to overcome the marching music that played everyday. The lyrics about strange unexpected things like "Sun goes round Moon", "the snow comes down in June"... rang true for me: Something that confused and oppressed me is for my good. 

Bare

When I saw this cartoon, I was 5. But I remember how I just wanted to draw something that inspired me as the jungle background was introduced. At that young age, I was mesmerized by the beauty represented by the work and the actual jungle itself. Art.

The story was too long for me so I fell asleep about half way through but not before this song. "Bear Necessity" as a pun for bare necessities of life had to wait until I arrived in the States a few years after that for my appreciation. But the meaning of having the minimum needed to live took nearly another half Century.

I'm just seeing what I really need to live as myself. Being bare is to be naked and that is one of hardest hurdles to self discovery. Even the most beautiful models need to work to look their best and there is no guarantee they themselves feel validated by their outward beauty. All the hard work to look great for that photo shoot is not a guarantee for self fulfillment.

I took getting "naked" in all senses of the word for me to see my bare necessities. And now I see that it is so liberating. I realize the most important things really are free.

Yeah the video looks so grainy and old. But I feel how precious the relationships that have stuck through thick and thin are really really priceless and wonderful. I have seen the soul of another person who loves me back. The surprise is that some of them have been there all along even after time apart. Others are new people who seem to have been waiting to meet.

Although I have always embraced the importance of people as the center of life, I never felt the overwhelming importance these moments are for the time I am by myself, when I am dreaming, planning and creating.

I am not talking about a cartoon but a collection of things I do, say, publish, sing, dance, live. I just want to do it so that at least I am inspired. Then maybe my soul mates will share in the joy too. That is my bear necessity of life.

Compensate

When even a salary can be called compensation, this concept is another very ingrained one that should be re-examined. Employment is still widely viewed as "time served" (even though most people won't use this phrase used for prison sentences) so we need to be compensated for it. This assumes contribution is relative to time regardless of quality or contribution. So there are jobs around that are really unnecessary but are there to keep employment alive.

It is assumed that we need to bear with work we have gotten tired of, or never liked just to pay the bills. This is needed to a point. And the truth of it depends on the world working like a machine that is set to operate at a certain speed. We all should benefit as the economy grows as the machine make goods and services for profit.

As this model becomes outdated because machines can now be reprogrammed to do new work more easily than ever, we are already seeking new ways to live, work and grow. I have rambled on about the paradigm shift happening all around us for a lot of this blog. The title "From Dino's to Birds" is to highlight the depth and breadth of this impending change.

Nature does not really allow for much compensation. If you loose sleep, the price is to your health. The payment cannot be compensated by making up the lost time the next day. We need time for the body to heal from the loss whose negative effects can mount up to cause long term health and psychological problems.

Consumerism is the compensation the industrial age promises us. The goods and services we can buy with our salary (that compensation for our time spent as a cog in the industrial machine) should be able to satisfy the opportunity cost of our time contribution.

Before computers revolutionized mass data in corporations in the 70's, "seniority" was the word for how long a person has worked in a company and should be promoted accordingly. The performance evaluations that became the norm in the 80's are a sign of how information technology has freed management to rationalize performance as the primary factor for promotion.

But with all the focus on quality, it seems "going to work" to gain compensation for time lost is still the cycle for making a living.

Like sleep, if we do something we don't like without any prospect for change, cannot compensate for the potential we may be giving up. The relationships that are hurt, missing out on the lives of our growing children, the revealing experience of caring for aging relatives... it is obvious that these things have nothing to do with the industrial machine and the related monetary compensation.

It is time to put value on personal lives as a way to pay each other. Roles and responsibilities should be revised to reflect how our lives are now growing more like a tapestry of interwoven relationships rather than a hierarchical pyramid. Opportunity cost and return can now be individualized.

Time should be valued and preserved for family and important friendships. We should pay each other to help the helpless, solve problems, create new opportunities for the poor, teach our children, love our elderly.... Leave the mundane jobs for robots and grow the human spirit.

Compensation as a concept should disappear if we are striving to create value together. Men and women need to contribute equally. It seems what I'm saying is really intuitive to most women and takes a lot more convincing for men to see clearly. That's why this song is sung by 3 women.

Chocolate

Everything can be seen as a timetable. Soon after we are born our bodies tell us we need to sleep and eat. Then everything else seems to follow as scheduled priorities in life demand attention. As we grow up, learn and work, more and more things pile up. Everything can overwhelm us or be tools to growth depending on how we react our feelings. To be inundated by life can be like spilling hot chocolate on ourselves causing pain, discomfort and a blemish.

To follow a schedule without regard to how we feel is the path to numbness and being overcome. I always thought I tried successfully to follow how I felt about myself, others and life itself more than the obligations by dealing with them well in advance. So starting in school I always finished what I had to do as quickly as possible so I could do what I really wanted to do: like enjoying a cup of hot chocolate.

But following hard times, I found myself feeling oppressed by all activities. Instead of avoiding them, I exercised, cooked, planned, discussed, searched, ate, changed.... with all my being in all seriousness. I waited for some social-economic climax or even some drastic physical transformation to validate my efforts.

Instead of enjoying them, all activities became obligations because I ignored the feeling of fulfillment in living itself, in order to "achieve" some quantum leap in personal quality or performance. I was running my life against myself without feeling like I would ever reach my goal. It was like a dog chasing its tail.

When I see people in my hurried city or incessant pursuits, running around. I secretly wanted to follow their apparent purposeful drive to scurry around all day and all night.

I have changed.

I have finally started to enjoy each moment, every good or bad feeling and encounter that I have again like everything was new. The truth is that if I look past the timetable, I can see myself and the people for who they are. It is not always encouraging because we all fall prey to out own angst and submit to some obligation. But I feel for them now.

As I was enjoying my music, carrying groceries and enjoyed the rhythm on my way home, a young girl and her mother hurried past in apparent stress. I called out "Calm down". Then felt unsure if I read them unfairly. Perhaps they just enjoyed going from place to place short of jogging speed. But their reaction was one of annoyance, frowning at me several times.... So I guess "calm down" is a negative concept.

It certainly feels slowing down is bad for my many friends who are running around. It's fine because I did that all my life and am the better for the experience.

My point is, did I enjoy it? I have a sneaky feeling any enjoyment has nothing to do with ticking "complete" on all the items on my "to do list" or my schedule.

I never would have faced this modern dilemma so deeply if it weren't for my doldrums. It's like being washed of the stains a spilled cup of hot chocolate left on my clothes. I just enjoy the drink now.

Hyde

"The strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" is a modern story about technology. What we create can take over our lives if we let it. Addiction is the most common example. Besides illegal substances, we are now addicted to sugar, smart phones, TV and the list goes on. So parents sometimes do not allow children some things for fear of addiction. The story has influenced characters like "The Hulk", "The nutty professor" movies and even Tweety Bird.

What drives us to do something over and over again so that we loose control of self preservation? The answer is where we choose to live.

Choose to reside in the technicalities of life, instead of real relationships with ourselves and others, therein lies the cause for addictions and destructive pathways. Technology is just one of newest persuasive ways to get addicted.

To become a Mr. Hyde (the killer that Dr. Jekyll was not) the story goes into a lot of detail about the formula to undo the damage. It actually leaves us hanging if Mr. Hyde won or not. There are so many things to be learned from the allegorical nature of the story.

Drinking the formula is what I will focus on. Internalizing an unknown untried technology has its dangers. That's why there are simulations, tests and prototyping. We can learn from mistakes before they forever change our lives. To completely undo certain errors can be very painful and maybe impossible.

Even if Mr. Hyde takes over so that the Dr. Jekyll no longer exists, is it not possible for the killer to be rescued and reformed personally? Whether he is punished or not, the person of Mr. Hyde could change if he wanted to even if Dr. Jekyll no longer exists.

If technology consists of concepts and things humans made, the same applies to all Art, Science and social-economic institutions (such as government, marriage, religion...): internalizing them as if they were life itself will make the possibility of Mr. Hyde taking over.

Look at any autocratic leader, he/she is protecting some status quo or his/her own opinion above being human. Someone as infamously evil as Adolf Hitler is protecting the Third Reich above all things, even his own humanity. Even if we will not make systematic killing machines like Hitler, we can kill our real self just to protect our "name", save "face", our "status", our "role", when we ignore the voice who cries from inside us when we are all alone.

Leaders who aim to be in touch with their own voice as well as the people they lead will be fulfilling the opportunity that their moment in History affords them. This is the only way to deal with ever present human dilemma that face both people and their leaders. If we want true forgiveness, improvement and progress.

Despite the cheesy lyrics and sexy ladies, the "Power of love" by the late Luther Vandross is to be discovered and expressed.

Light

This pic is how I feel sometimes because I have an idea that few understand at this time. Whether I am correct or not, I feel a passion to work it out and let the idea speak for itself like a work of art. For any artist cannot control the reception of their art. If they do, their passion has been eclipsed by something contrary to what makes their work valuable. 

So to speak out, be put on display and open to be judged about a new idea is scary indeed. I feel alone, battered and could be overwhelmed if my foundation is weak.

There are those nowadays who are speaking out in violence, in rejection and judgement. They act like they are above the law, can judge others and punish them in violence or even death. Yet these very same judges refuse to be judged by their actions quoting some overriding reason that somehow justifies their oppression or destruction of someone else. The worst part is that the judges are saying they themselves are above any similar evaluation that they apply to another. This is called hypocrisy. Hypocrites are saying they are being persecuted for their right to persecute others. And play out the martyr.

Creativity is different. It just shines. Does not judge. Open to criticism. Loves change for themselves and beckons others to follow. No pressure. No pretense. No conditions. Loves. But is strong. Grounded. Looks to the sky, beyond the visible, and unafraid of the unknown all around. 

Stevie Wonder receiving Polar Music prize in Sweden after singing "You are the sunshine of my life"

Groove

I like music with a groove. Those who have seen some of my past music posts all show this side. Even the classical music I like have a strong rhythmic emphasis, like Stravinsky who prefers percussion sounding music for nearly all instruments including voice and piano.

Groove just meant smooth and flowing to me when I was hifi geeky teenager. I made radios and amplifiers and speakers to play the music I like. Portable music has been my friend for over 30 years. It was instrumental in my physical and psychological recover as I worked out and traveled.

Now that vinyl records are just collectors items or limited editions, my misconception that the groove referred to the recording being in the tiny grooves of the record seems silly and outdated. But the origin of the word was in jazz music as a sexual euphemism to describe the successful collaboration between players and the music.

I feel my own life is getting into a groove. Like pieces of a music that combine to inspire, it has to be sexy, attractive, relevant and timely. Discovering who I am is a big part of being in the groove of anything I do because the material and the soul is not in playing the right notes, doing the right thing, in rhythm, in sync...

A creative, expressive and innovative society is about rhythm, not schedules. It is more like a group of musicians improvising based on a common score, like jazz, than making mass recordings. The value is in the each individual performance and not playing the same recording. That is what is happening for all except the most popular musicians. All other artists are making money on tours or regular shows more than selling recordings.

Technology needs to shift from mass communication to courting high value contacts. For it is in small groups that most of life really exist. I'm in the groove of the new paradigms beginnings. And I'm eager to go on tour.

Restless

Something has changed. It's more than improved health. After trying what feels like every path to employment, start-up, career change, NGO, charity, retirement even, the only opening was to invent a new road. I registered a patent with the help of a great lawyer friend and finally began to meet the right people to move forward.

I've always been restless finding something to spark my interest. From hobbies, to clubs, fellowships, jobs, sports, electronics, reading, music, games, cars, photography.... I dive right in and sometimes won't stop until some would call me an expert at it. Most people are satisfied doing a few things well. I always become restless and move on.

A management consultant who schemed to sit next to me on a 12 hour flight just to get my business, thought she had me figured out as someone who couldn't stick with anything. I kind of agreed with her but now know I just did not like maintaining a production line. I yearned to work with people under a more dynamic, organic and competitive way.

That's why I loved programming without a computer science degree. For me the reprogramming is a way of life. So the thought of making some perpetual profit machine is both boring and counter intuitive to me once the possibility of reprogramming any machine became possible.

I played the manufacturing, industrial paradigm game all my life. The suits, meetings, dinners, money, travel, consumerism... I embraced them all. But China, with its race to regain lost time, opportunities, wealth, status with a very industrial focus became the model of the end game of the age. All the short comings and outdated inefficiencies as well as the huge cash piles are manifest as China moved through the many stages of industrial development and decline at lightening speed. Hardware-centered. Software-negligent.

After the research, learning and reprogramming of myself over what appeared to be a drought, I feel a new restlessness. Now I see what I want, I'm finally eager to start. It just seemed to take so long.

This young man does an innovative "Go the distance" from the cartoon Hercules (one of my favorites). This song is really hard to sing because it demands a very specific emotional energy. Acapella singing balances the human emotion with smart musical arrangement to reach it goal.

The perseverance and persistence the song highlights rings true to my personal journey. Finally, I am seeing how the bad times have been training me to deal with my personal demons, fears and hangups. Like a baptism by water and fire, many of these deep psychological obstacles were washed away.

A new sense of peace, purpose and security has arrived without the support of an institutional company, family, church or government. No, I'm not retreating from civilisation but my rest comes from what I new see as life and love. Relationships are the focus. I was distracted by the many things that we "do" or "should do" that I lost my balance when nothing seemed to be going right.

It's hard to tell the whole story because it is like a Russian epic novel: really long, detailed and hard to summarize. This is because you have to be interested in how I felt, how I overcame and how a new light seems to shine. And it just took so so long.

But my restlessness from curiosity, from a yearning to create, to befriend, to discover is back. The cat's out of bag.

Authentic

Authenticity is my passion. I just want to discover what I was born to be, what I can learn, even through failure. What I am can be found when I am alone but also when others allow me the privilege to peek into the window of their soul. When they want to see me for I am. That is love on top for me.

More important then achievement, success, castles, empires because to discover this elusive element in life makes me feel rich and healthy. I am bored with pretense, ostentation, bigotry, ignorance and bragging about what I have, what I want, how I want it. Simply tell me who you are and that is inspiring.

In the past, I have been patient to wait for people in institutions to be themselves. But I have concluded for most people that it is more comfortable just protecting the church, business, family, marriage, club, team, clique whatever than to go through the discomfort of self discovery. Feelings can overwhelm. The paradox is that if you ignore them, we are living in self-defeat. For the person who ignores self-discovery is like sitting inside a vehicle with no interest to drive it.

The context is just like the song. Love on top.

Round

When I studied philosophy, an over simplification was that the East focused on how life is a circle and a linear progression in the West. This is probably valid before the Reformation when the worlds were divided more acutely by geography, language etc so that cultural differences were more entrenched. With the burgeoning availability of communications worldwide over the past Century, there is less need to make such sweeping conclusions.

In fact history moves more like a combination of cycles and progress like a spiral up or down. My own life can be seen to reflect that pattern. So the song that sings "coming around again" rings true. 

My attitude has returned to when I started out on my own learning in University, work, travel, friends, mistakes, success and failure. Only now, I have seen and felt my own reactions to both good and bad times. I know myself and the world around me more.

The knowledge of good and evil almost killed me because I resigned to the "power" existing institutions seemed to have over me. It was more of my submitting than any external change. Physical weakness did not help and nor did putting my trust in the wrong people.

But I've changed. Healed perhaps from my own near sighted knowledge. I'm coming round again to a new innocence of facing the future without the crutches I thought I gained during adulthood and holding on the gems given by those who love me.

I been sitting in the darkness

But the sunlight's creeping in

Now the ice is slowly melting

In my soul and in my skin

All the good times my friend

Are coming around again

.

.

.

I got someone waiting for me

It's been so long since we met

And I may not be your salvation but I'll offer nonetheless

And if like me u wanna take that chance

It's coming around again

Ooh yeah

Simulation

Simulation is what computers do best. The most visible simulations are films where stories are made more believable by CGI production and editing. I sold simulation software for cancer treatment. Technical design has been revolutionized by computed simulation shortening product development to manufacturing cycles multi-fold. Quality and innovation have improved too for electronics, lenses, cars, airplanes, appliances....

Now that some tools of life have improved, how we use them and live have made little use of simulation. Thinking allows us to make models of reality, discuss it, change it, design it, question it, improve.... It's how academia operates. Abstract theories guided the invention of physical products where the industrial paradigm has served us for over a Century

Even before computers, smart people used budgets, projections, prototypes, trial and error, mock-ups, tests etc. to simulate something before doing or making it. It's not easy so many people still don't bother and dismiss simulation and modeling as a waste of time.

Not me. I love building models of anything: even institutions, relationships, history, rooms, plans, concepts, ideas, pathways, advantage, value, pictures, stories.... I don't like set plans but models that can adapt and change as things go. It's like a bottom line on which the future is based but not at all set in stone. After all, any mock-up can be erased and restarted with less to lose than the real thing.

With all the ranting I've been doing about new paradigms, how times are changing, institutions are tools instead of standards and change, I still thought my way out is to build a neo-industrial model company. I did not know the needed change would so profound and feel so painful. Old props that made me feel secure (even little things like scheduled meals, meetings, obligations just to make money), were all removed for me. It hurt because I was addicted to the unsubstantiated feeling of acceptance and fulfillment that my addiction gave me.

Some of my dependence on the industrial model of success were so deeply subconscious and subtle that I didn't know I still wanted acknowledgement from those who only want to relate to me based on what I do, how much money I had, or just because it was scheduled and where any personal involvement seemed taboo.

So in my personal doldrums, I was forced to face of all my personal inclinations, reactions, feelings, addictions. I am still experiencing withdrawal symptoms. My difficult time turned out to be a real-life simulation of a path towards personal and creative discovery free from the albatross of institutions.

It is difficult and painful because I was being weaned off of things that are everywhere. To navigate these obstacles and opportunities is only possible when I see the difference between them.

I am off the road ways of industrial highways and on the open waters of information, connectivity and expression that is seeking to replace the value we used to put on material products and over supply.

A Russian diplomat once told me he was "stuck between a jail and the big blue sea" (their version of a "rock and a hard place") because he did not know what to do with the freedom of open waters facing him after the dissolution of the Soviet Union. I think I have been facing a simulation of the same problem.

The point of this simulation through difficulty or a trial by water and fire perhaps, is to make me stronger in who I am to face an uncharted, unscheduled, unplanned future: Both frightening and beautiful like an ocean of blue water.

Slow

In Hong Kong or any metropolitan city, the rush hour is iconic and points to energy, money, hard work, vibrancy... Yet innovation, art, beauty, value, design... cannot be hurried. Creating and change feel agonizingly slow and pointless.

My years of financial drought may be nearing an end. The temptation will be to rush around doing as much as possible as if I were in a race to achieve the most in the shortest time. This will work if the methods for progress, innovation and value just involved doing the same things over and over again. But we all know life does not stay the same. 

I learned how to change as a lifestyle and rediscovered that "Work hard. Take chances. Be very bold." is not about hurrying around. That was a movie line that I took with me as I entered adulthood at the end of my high-school years thinking I would face a life of exploration and adventure.

Unlike many of my peers, I am not interested in an empire, a castle or respect. I just want to create, discover and enjoy who I am. I lost that for a while thinking I needed to please some other people and institutions which caused me to impatience, to anxiety, to hopelessness.

I am not born to be a cog (nor even the top-dog-cog) of a machine, or to rush around protecting it. I am not done changing, growing, creating, learning, loving, enjoying that involves slowing down as much as having to adapt quickly when opportunities come. 

The parable of hare and tortoise is not an either-or. We need to slow down to prepare for the sprint needed to seize "quantum leap" moments our lives. If we are running around for the hell of it, we can miss the opportunities that beckon.

Confidence

In a film released when I was 3, "The sound of music", Julie Andrews (who pays Maria) sang "I have confidence in me"  on her way out of the Convent to face a problem family. Even though I was just 8 when I saw it, I knew the song could not possibly create confidence out of nothing.

The main reason for Maria's angst is because leaving the safety and shelter of the convent to face a confirmed difficult family. In fact, things would just get worse as Hitler occupied Austria and the family was forced to flee. Everything they depended on for security crumbled and safety would not be guaranteed as they left home.

This happened to me. After many years of making the most of institutions in my life to learn, live and work, I didn't mind moving on to new modes of working and living. Geography, language, culture were never insurmountable barriers. In fact I loved climbing these fences that threaten to separate us from each other.

Then after my short prison experience, year-long investigation and final acquittal it coincided with middle age, a change in the economy and dissolution of old business models, which all made my quest to find the next institutional refuge unsuccessful. I was like Maria who just couldn't find a way into the monastic life she wanted but was drawn into motherhood on her own.

I looked for help from friends who enjoyed their institutional success but nothing materialized. A word of encouragement would have been nice but I felt like they preferred to ignore my predicament altogether. Perhaps they wonder why at my age, I still had not "succeeded" in climbing a respected institution.

I thought I would just move on to a new job, a new location, a new culture like I had done over and over again to much "success". But after feeling persecuted by religious, legal, medical, business and even cultural institutions despite that I was trying my best to follow their perceived requirements, I was forced to find a new source of confidence.

Illness, misfortune, silence, loneliness all conspired to make me feel inadequate and scared of having no institutional shelter or the prospect of one. I'm not saying I refuse to work in a company or powerful organisation, ever. But I will never work "for" them.

I thought that if the institutions that treated me unfairly failed me, there will be better ones that take over. After years in the doldrums of my life, I discovered that the problem was my security, confidence and faith in the future hung on my success in the institutions in my life. With this attitude, even if I were to create a new business, it could easily take over my life. My hopes and dreams will then be merged with the success of my business.

It's like the haunting from prison had little to with bad memories but my misplaced faith that the institutions that put me there were evil so I needed to escape to a benevolent country, company, people...

Confidence must be rooted in the mystery of my life which needs to be discovered, as Science decodes Nature, philosophy seeks meaning, hearts yearn for love.... This confidence began as the conditions of life that are as rare as winning a lottery, gave us the opportunity to live.

What we end up creating, contributing, achieving cannot be our source of confidence if we want to rise above them. To rest in past success and wanting to reproduce the same thing over and over again is very much related to the industrial paradigm because it is assumed that what worked before must work now.

To embrace what awaits us tomorrow is more related to discovery and creating, than relying on tried and "true" methods of the past. Yes, my confidence is in the mystery of what I do not know because the opportunity to discover the answers will be exciting.

Mystery

There are days when I'm bothered because little things are left unresolved. Even appliance malfunctions, conversations in limbo, waiting for some result, pains and worries all can get us down. Other days even when facing life changing issues, I am filled with confidence.

Today my oven wouldn't turn off and I happen to feel timid at the same time. When I was in prison not knowing when I could get out, I knew I would and felt a boldness despite the fear. I have no idea why. Each one of us is a mystery in that, if you let yourself face the many feelings that used to guide our curiosity, creativity and love like a child again, we realize we really do not know who we are and what moves us.

We are at a juncture of great social-economic change due to the possibilities of the semiconductor, micro-processors and memory. This invention changed the last 50 years of society more quickly than ever in the history of human kind but things are about to change even faster. Can our industrial paradigm of growth, organisation and education adapt fast enough?

A factory is about making the same thing for the masses by the masses. It provided the things that has made every day chores easier so humankind is free do more important things.

This is the premise of the capitalistic driven growth after WWII. To build factories and institutions modeled after them including education, government, banks, retail..... it is assumed that pumping money to those who can build factory-like institutions would make economies of scale and create a perpetual profit machine.

This assumes people are generally satisfied with the same products as others. Only then will our industrial model be profitable enough to support institutions today. The success of this model with the deployment of information technology since the 1970's has made the industrial machine so efficient, we are replacing repetitive work with automatic machines (some of which are called robots, a word that instills fear for many). Many have more free time from chores and repetitive jobs than ever before to do more important things.

The new problem is we don't know what to do with more "free time". The industrial model is so deeply ingrained every segment of society, factories are the default paradigm for management, human resources, education where a person is defined by what you do.

Little emphasis is place on individual performance because the most important thing is the position of someone within the social-management machine. Hierarchy trumps real performance. Protecting the machine seems to be more important than the quality of work and life of each person in the machine. This is taught as the way economies grow and thrive in the industrial model.

Even free time is so viewed. Tour groups take people to see the same sites, shops, eat the same food and enjoy the same things. Sport is an industry where people can enjoy the same competitions in each country as if it were a predestined standard where each player must pay their dues at the chance of a top billing and winning for their team.

Not that all this is bad or evil in themselves. The options for free time are just standardized and offered as manufactured options under predefined rules and answers.

Mystery is seen as an obstacle in industry to be resolved with absolute conclusion like a TV program. Industrial paradigm manufactures multiple choice answers where other options are seen as abnormal and insignificant because "most people" don't want infinite choice.

Solving little understood questions is the essence of innovation. It is what people are born to do just as an infant instinctively explores their world. If we continue to embrace our hunger to explore, understand and create all our lives, innovation will the result.

What the semiconductor did was put logic into machines that react to different input automatically. These machines became smaller, faster and cheaper so quickly that we are carrying powerful programmable ones in our pockets today that used to occupy buildings just 50 years ago.

Yet, unlike the room-sized machines that needed to be reprogrammed for almost every new task using commands and code, we are now presented with applications that we pick and choose like multiple choice. Most users ignore the infinite possibilities event though each smart phone, notebook, tablet, desktop can be reprogrammed to solve any problem you want.

Mystery should be embraced by all humankind and not left for an elite to limit our range of choice due to laziness, incompetence or lack of knowledge. With the existence of "cloud computing" which is just a reservoir of computers that can be expanded ad infintum, capital based investment no longer guarantees growth.

I'm inspired to help build the models of growth that uplift the human spirit and take advantage of the logic machines in the air. The model to replace the industrial one is about intelligence, curiosity, collaboration, quality and more organic growth.

Free time should mean doing anything you like. And we should feel free to uncover this most basic mystery of life: What do I really want?

Sacré

"Le sacré du printemps", "The rite of Spring", "Frühlingsopfers" is the title of the symphony by Stravinsky which is also a dance. In each language different aspects of transcendence and the human response to the Season after Winter is different. It ranges from the sacred, to a tradition, to a sacrifice...

Celebration would be the most unbiased with the meaning behind the "rite" open to each person who observes or participates. The Chinese would use the word worship (拜) as in a temple to one of the many god's available for appeasement or request.

The object is the change from the cold deathly winter for plants to the newness of life in Spring. A resurrection, revival, reboot.... that stirs the frozen earth of extreme Winter with feelings of relief, of hope and warmth. The natural change is expected and can be savored or ignored, celebrated or mourned. It's up to you, how you feel, where you are in life.

There is nothing sacred about seasonal change really. It is wonderful, powerful, artistic, enjoyable, depressing, bothersome, boring, exciting all at once. Nature's art. You can react depending on how you feel. And it is all OK.

We have no control over this Art of Nature. It is important in that we change our lives around it. Yet almost no one discusses how to deal with it, we just do and adjust, reacting to it in any way we want. There is no fighting over what is Spring, how it is interpreted, if we believe it exists, how to respond to it, if you want to worship the Season, or not at all....

How wonderful it would be if we dealt with our institutions (which we can change) with such balance, realism and awe of its mystery. For humanity is just as mysterious as the Seasons, that our current knowledge is insufficient to fully understand, appreciate and develop. The effort to discover what is there rather than try to manipulate each other (peacefully or violently) would be sacred indeed.

Yet the tendency is to protect our temporary institutions as if they were holy, sacred, unchangeable at the expense of what is valuable in life. But nothing we create is meant to be the standard forever, just useful until the are not.

Like nature, our earth, our universe, there are processes that create the rare conditions for life which is sacred because we would not be here except for this chance to live.

Unique

In Whitney's final album, there is a revival theme. But because of addiction and perhaps depression, both she and her daughter passed before their time. Yet the hope of life is there in the art which survives with us who can still enjoy the music and the poetry.

Despite that some do not make it after a hard time (no matter the source of the hardship), their song, their hope and their love (no matter how imperfect) is truth. For it is the projection of our will that causes us to hope, to believe and to love. Whether what is done has wide financial, social or moral effect is not important, because all our lives are finite (famous or not). And any chance of leaving behind meaning is a legacy in the minds and hearts of humans of another generation.

For me, this music has inspired despite that the resonance of Whitney's voice at her peak has passed. The spirit was revived while she sang.

The 2 songs titles are antithesis to each other. The top one says "You'll never be alone" but the bottom one says "On my own" but both are uplifting. How can being alone be both good and bad.

I believe resolving our state of loneliness is the point of life. Maybe our first cry for air, for an embrace, for the source of life is because we feel alone for the first time. We fear death because we must face that moment alone.

In our lifetime, passion can push us to risky, untried ways of living, working, creating, expressing.... Such pioneering implies going on a journey by oneself. On my own. Alone. Unique.

And if you don't
Know by now I cant go back
To being someone else
Not anymore
I never had the chance
To do things my way
So now it's time
For me to take control
And I am not afraid
To try it on my own
I don't care
If I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
No matter what
I'm gonna keep it real, you know
Time for me to do it on my own

Strength

So what makes us strong? Many think muscles. Money comes to mind. A well equipped military perhaps. Status due to popularity, position, awards, respect, fear.... But is this really strength?

Most people wait to grow up, get some of the things mentioned already so they will feel strong or successful. None of these have much to do with humanity or who we are inside when we are all alone. Strength must come first from personal substance before the world around us can be overcome. Get it the other way around, circumstances will drive us from perceived power to desolate weakness.

Even those who proclaim they are strong because of God needs to be careful to define what they mean. Is the god in a box of our making? Or the infinite mystery that the word God implies. 

If a person's potential is great and unknown, then how is it possible to define God and assume our definition is all there is? To rest in our narrow understanding of someone and force the world to follow, would be condescending to a human being let alone the super being the the concept of God entails. Strength is about discovering the mystery of who I am and then who God is, even if you conclude we are all alone in the Universe.

Oh... He gives me
Strength to make it, Strength to take it
I've got the strength to know that
Everything will work out fine
Strength to suffer, Strength to conquer
I've got the strength to know the blessings
Of the Lord are mine
Oh...be strong in the Lord in the power of
His might
Know in your heart every battle He will
Fight
Oh...
My strength
(Strength in my darkest hour)
(He is my strong tower)
(Strength to know you're coming soon)
(I know your strength can be renewed)
Be strong, you be strong
I was strengthened in my spirit when
He spoke to me
No more fear, I have peace
Who the Son sets free, I know clearly is
Free indeed
Oh...
My strength
(Wait on Him, He's coming soon)
(I know your strength can be renewed)
(Strengthen my spirit, my inner man)
(He upholdeth me with His hand)
Oh... He gives me strength
(I can win a soul) I can do it
(I can reach my goal) I can do that, too
(I can keep the victory) I can do it
(For the oil of God's on me) I can do that, too
(If He tells me to wait) I can do it
(I've got the strength to obey) I can do that, too
(I can do it, yeah) I can do it

Deceived

Jonathan Butler kills it with this live performance of "Lies". I especially like the saxophone lady whose playing seemed to be tell off the liar in the song. Then there is CeeLo Green's Forget you (the "clean" version of the song). One celebrates and the other more to the point.

The lying I'm talking about is about me. I thought some were my friend whom I still remember fondly, rejected or ignored me for good reason (perhaps but that) was never revealed to me. It hurt that I still miss them. My lie is that I still think of them as my friend although the silence says otherwise.

Then there are my eccentricities, my abnormalities and mistakes that add up make me believe the lie. I thought it was pointlessness to dwell on times past but they the scars came back to haunt me after my recent trauma and misfortune. The doldrums forced me to see I was wrong to accept the judgment of normalcy. It's hard when everyone around you seems similar and I'm the odd one out when it feels like I failed.

Failure is the worst lie. I only fail at the standards I to which I subscribe. Cancel the subscription, and I'm good to move one.

Like the songs above, expressing what is pent up inside, helps me to let go of the judgement and see what is really important. Life goes on.

Relief

Before the primal sounding female singers became cool, this 1991 song "Pressure Pt. 1" almost screams "I need relief" and vents in a storm of Ahs, mesmerizing rhythms, chants, Ohs, more primal sounds, proclaiming the need to be relieved from the "pressures of the world" and then calms down a little while testifying someone is there to carry the load. Part 2 was in my last post.

This kind of music is rare in East Asia where the Chinese word to hold-in, to bear it, to tolerate: 忍 (the Japanese use it as the first character in ninja) makes venting a negative thing especially in men. This is reflected in music where such primal sounds, are avoided as being over the top and embarrassing. Pity.

We were made to cry, to shout, to scream, to mourn, to be silent, to laugh, to express ourselves in the primal crying that signals the first signs of healthy living the moment of human birth. Yet for social acceptance, we choose the hide our true feelings. It may save us from feeling shame in the crowd but the pressure that builds can explode at a later time causing more damage.

My family takes exception in that we don't hold back much of our personal pressure so we tend to work through problems. Yet when prison, an oppressive investigation (despite an acquittal), the fear mongering whenever I was contacted made me feel without recourse and near hopelessness except to escape.

Although my life returned to normal, my fear stayed with me. Seemingly for the first time in my life, all setbacks felt like a judgement on me personally. All inadequacies, bad comments I hear and incomplete tasks seemed to make me feel less valuable. So I just thought to live everyday the same, with no waves, would guarantee my fear would not return.

What is recorded in my blogs are feelings when everything I tried to get out of my situation seemed to fail, including those I thought were friends. Opportunities seemed to be no where. It felt like the darkest time personally, putting all my achievements and learning into doubt.

It was during my despair that new friends appeared, the best place I've lived in, new ideas, a patent filing, knowing what I wanted in life and finally, the end of my fear.

Even before my 18 days in a Chinese prison, I had an image of a window with the Sun shining through high above. It turned out to be a window in the large cell for 20 prisoners with a 3 story high ceiling. Lights always on and the afternoon Sun would stare down on us.

My fear caused me to see it like an eye of judgement. Yesterday, the condemnation disappeared. I felt like life had my back, more securely than before.

Because of the darkness and a drought on hope of the past years, I feel stronger, more alive and prepared for whatever the future holds.

Relief from the pressure of fear and having to hide. Finally.

Pressure

Pressure is about tension. It happens when equilibrium cannot be sustained. This is true in the physical world and our psychology. When the world seems to want us to change, our resistance causes pressure. Many choose to give in and live comfortably within predefined limits or social acceptance, some will rebel and others will seek to change it.

My last long-winded blog post is about how we give the power of institutions too much power over our lives. It is very complicated because there are so many obligations in life. Happy people manage to find the correct equilibrium among work, finance, relationship, leisure, service and rest, as they learn about their passion in life.

It begins with knowing who I am and testifying to that truth to everyone we love, nurture those relationships what make us grow and simplify the obligations institutions have on us. The focus on the bigger picture that being human trumps the role we take on is always a struggle. But only then will we have a chance to progress.

Institutional

Mainstream or banal journalism which is common in many democratic societies tends to see an issue or the world as "socio-cultural binary of "us" and "them"". I think we can agree this way of seeing the world by picking sides makes issues easier to understand, even though we equally suspect life is never black and white but consists of many colors. Over-simplification will please the crowds but it is dangerous for finding truth.

By picking a side, we choose to align ourselves with some group be it a country, team, company, family, race, religion, clique, fan club... whatever... and see anyone outside as unimportant or in opposition; it is using the binary optic to view life. If binary vision is dangerous in journalism, I think inhumanity comes from such arbitrary classifications that ignores the many possibilities that humanity could enjoy, if we dare to accept each other's "eccentricities".

The very alignments that may make life less confusing will also imprison us to the limits of such prejudices. I call all groups to which we choose to belong: institutions. They are human creations based on a similar understanding as simple as following someone to adhering to a set of written statements. Even the role of father or mother, male or female are institutions defined by social norms and ingrained presumptions. Being a parent can be very fulfilling but this role is not all that a person can be, despite the miracle of birth and growing in children.

There are of course bad parents and broken families, though evil is not what comes to mind when we become a father or mother. While it is easy to say fascism is evil, or totalitarianism or some religion or a political party... may be good or evil depending on which side we belong, if this binary view of institutions is true, it would mean perfection once we get rid of the opposition: "them". We wish life would be like a Halloween movie where the evil entity can be destroyed so the hero ("us") can live happily ever after.

But despite that fascism lost the war 70 years ago, we are still dealing with fascist elements everywhere. We call them by different names but the evil we fear continues. 

Hong Kong got it's civil awakening last year in 78 days of occupation of 3 major roads. Many are now socially and politically galvanized, calling the opposing camp evil. Everywhere, religion, race, income, opportunity, politics, nationhood and even gender continue to separate humanity into unimportant definitions when compared to the potential to which we are born.

The common denominator in humans is to create institutions to define our place in society. These contrived groupings are useful when we remember they were made by us and not some absolute law of the land. We are free to change how we live and change the parameters that define our role in relation to others, thereby redefining institutions. 

But when what we made become the object of our desire, our protection, our life instead of discovering the mystery of our unlimited potential as the human race... Therein lies evil. To be defined by something other than humanity will yield injustice, oppression, war, bitterness, unforgiveness.

No wonder the word institutionalized is negative. Yet most live according to institutional values without thinking about what it really means to be human.

Grace

To understand this word, the opposite meaning which is "unforgivable" does a better job defining what grace is. The reason defining grace is so hard, is that it is rarer than diamonds. When we face absolute magnanimity, we don't believe it. Our guilt is too deep. I believe the feeling of being unforgivable is the human condition that drives us to do inhuman things.

Grace, being the opposite of unforgivable, is there no matter what we've done. Without going into how society needs to punish unlawful behaviour, grace is how we conquer our personal state of "unforgiveness". To love without condition does not require faith. It is just letting go of our preconditions to love and receive it.

For me, during my recent doldrums of life which wiped away my false securities, revived my sensitivity and ignited new dreams like a child, I learned that grace is about rest and intimacy. What is more amazing than knowing that all your regrets, problems, worries, are all... forgivable?

Come unto me, all ye that labor
And I will give you rest
Take my yoke upon you and learn of me
For I am meek and lowly in heart
And ye shall find rest unto your souls
Rest unto your souls, rest unto your souls
It's easy, for my burden is light
Come unto me, all ye that labor
And I will give you rest
Take my yoke upon you and learn of me
For I am meek and lowly in heart
And ye shall find rest unto your souls
Rest unto your souls, rest unto your souls
It's easy, for my burden is light
It's easy, for my burden is light, is light

Rebuilt

To be rebuilt is what we need more often than we know. For all the techniques to change our appearance, from surgery to lifestyle, to renew our way of living is difficult. It all sounds like so much effort just to change the shell of a body we inhabit. To become someone better without understanding who we are completely in the first place feels like an impossibility.

Nature shows us how life works even if we can't see ourselves clearly. The way Winter comes and freezes a lot of plant life to near death and Spring arrives to revive them, is how change should work. You start from scratch. Dying may or may not be painful, but it is fearful. It takes faith to see the future means a revival. This pattern of death and rebirth can be confused with a cycle of senselessness. It is true if each rebirth brings us back to the beginning without change.

What happens after death (if anything) is still a mystery. Just like the pattern of starting from scratch to begin anew happens as Season change, the revival is not guaranteed.

I experienced involuntary dying of sorts during the past few years. It happened to coincide with the birth of my niece 6 years ago. I was rebooted, rebuilt, revived in health, work, self-image, love, hope, value, vision, faith, creativity, morality, world-view and probably in ways I don't yet realize.

The song is dancing to change, forgiveness and starting over. The picture is a natural quarry in Australia whose shape is mesmerizing. From this angle, between the mirrors of the sky and water, it looks like a ruin of a medieval castle. A castle, a view, beauty that just needs to be captured.

Change is hard not because it requires a lot of effort. It's just hard to let go of who we thought we were, to be revived into someone new. For what we cannot see frightens us, even if it is a better self waiting for us in the Spring.

Évidemment

My mind, eyes and ears have never been so clear. Évidemment (clearly, evidently, of course) is perhaps best translated by the phrase used in the US Constitution: Self-evident. 

While life is bitter-sweet, angry, silent, senseless at times, few refuse to face these feelings but resort to avoiding them at all costs by schedules, crowds, the thrill of attention.... even though the human condition is as much dark as it is joyful. 

I've always avoided disappointment by seeking change in my life. I learn, I love, I hope, despite the mistakes in myself or others, confident that we can create processes of change. When I gave up on that, I got sick. It's easier to create change when not much has happened, when my realm of experience is limited. As I've been there or done that more and more, the constant resistance towards improvement that is everywhere can bog down even the greatest optimists.

So I enjoy art that allows me to face the bitterness of holding on to dark things, while seeing that in spite of it all, "I can still dance to music, love, laugh at the senselessness, like a child." The song sings it clearly in the chorus.

The second verse seems relevant to today despite being 27 years old. "I couldn't care less about the tiresome, distasteful battles. What does it matter to run everywhere, holding on to our wounds that are like a splutter of mud. 

It changes nothing yet changes everything (by our inaction)." 

Évidemment

Y'a comme un goût amer en nous
Comme un goût de poussière dans tout
Et la colère qui nous suit partout
Y'a des silences qui disent beaucoup
Plus que tous les mots qu'on avoue
Et toutes ces questions qui ne tiennent pas debout

Évidemment
Évidemment
On danse encore
Sur les accords
Qu'on aimait tant
Évidemment
Évidemment
On rit encore
Pour les bêtises
Comme des enfants
Mais pas comme avant

Et ces batailles dont on se fout
C'est comme une fatigue, un dégoût
À quoi ça sert de courir partout
On garde cette blessure en nous
Comme une éclaboussure de boue
Qui n'change rien, qui change tout

Évidemment
Évidemment
On rit encore
Pour les bêtises
Comme des enfants
Mais pas comme avant
Pas comme avant

English translation

Clearly

There's like a bitter taste among us
Like a taste of dust in everything
And the anger following us everywhere
There are silences that say a lot
More than all the words we admit
And all these questions that don't make sense

Clearly
Clearly
WE still dance
On the tunes
We loved so much
Clearly
Clearly

We still laugh
At the foolishness
Just like kids
But not like before

And the battles we don't care about
It's like a tiredness, a disgust
What sens does it make to be running around
We keep this wound in us
Like a splutter of mud
That doesn't change anything, changes everything

Clearly,
Clearly
We still laugh
At the foolishness
Just like kids
But not like before

Trouble

This song is my anthem today perhaps everyday. Everyone is trying to keep out of trouble except those who don't fear failure because failure hurts.

When I was younger, I had the impression that difficult times could be avoided if I followed the advice and wisdom of more experienced men and women. Today they are called mentors. And if something went wrong, I must have veered from tried and proven paths.

This is fine for many things in life to do with learning and safety but not progress. For by definition, progress means change or doing something new. What has not been done before is naturally misunderstood because it will be judged by the past. And by definition anything new has no past or track record. So no one will seem interested let alone support it.

The creative person will feel trouble everyday because few see what they see and fewer want to go with them. Trouble.

Passion though, cannot be ignored. It burns inside and cannot be put out. So I need songs like this to lift me spirit for a while.

"Trouble ain't gon' be here everyday
Even though sometimes it seems like it won't go away
After you've done all that you know how
Just to keep from breaking down
Just believe it's gonna get much better
After awhile"