My recent journey is boring if you made a video. Not much drama is visible because all the change I needed started internally. Nightmares, panic, silence, tears, laughter, shouting, screaming, swimming, cooking, reading, chatting, writing, photos, blogs, thinking, searching, remembering.... Boring for the observer unless you could visit my mind and my heart.
Change is like that. It's quiet and painful if you're impatient like me. My internal "operating system", the patterns and habits that I live by, have changed. My weight problem and my blood sugar are in control. Also boring. Yeah old pictures of my looking like a laughing Chinese Buddha compared to the smaller version now is funny but not that exciting.
The excitement is inside and bringing new external living. A good analogy is in Chinese warrior films of old where a material arts expert shuts himself/herself in a cave to practice some energy exercise for days/months/years to emerge a changed more powerful warrior.
In nature metamorphosis of a worm-like larva into a colorful flying butterfly is marvelous. No one thinks about how boring and difficult such change is. We just want the end product.
What am I going to do as a changed man? What product will I become? These are questions that I wanted to answer.
The conclusion: how I grow from now on has changed. The foundation of safe stable schedules, income, meetings... are no longer the focus. My confidence and safety are in discovery, surprise and rest.
To hold on to achievement, money and to save the system (even if I helped make recent success) are like anchors that should be raised. Any crying or violence from resisting minds must be lovingly tended. But no compensation exists for dying ways.
The hardest lesson to learn was about dealing with things that don't exist except in our heads. And these are the opposite of what most people think.
