"Making do" through compromise and adaptation is a good skill of survival. But when is it right to go outside the comfort zone and make something new? We don't want to be rash and have to come back should we fail right?
Any turning point in life is about epiphany, an enlightenment, a realization, an awakening... The picture shows how the dark house can light up with Sunlight at the right moment so what was once unclear becomes self evident.
I've discovered that people are so good at pretending, it is really hard to analyse whether they are being genuine or not. We vacillate, put on masks, try to hide our real feelings just to survive, it is easy to lose site of what we want or who we are. If we can't figure out truth about ourselves, is knowing someone else even possible?
I don't really know how, but it does take privacy, a lot of wandering in the dark until we finally see. I am one of those people seek friendship without boundaries because I want someone to walk with me. Of course I know not everyone will fit but I often don't know when to give up. Some of my "best friends" had to outright reject me before I would leave. I had to learn how to know them from outside.
Those people who influenced us during childhood seem to be hardest to leave, for me. Most have treated me as best as they knew how. But we all have habits that rub some people the wrong way. So I had to get over some of the little niggles that are overblown in my psyche.
In my time in the doldrums, I mourned some who rejected me without telling me why so I was left to guess. And I'm not talking about partners, just people I grew close to. It still hurt because from my viewpoint, things were going well. So the darkness of not knowing what was went wrong, without any means to find out after leaving, the suddenness of the separation without warning gave me a minor phobia.
One of the most simple yet annoying habit for me is panicking on hearing sounds of people shuffling around. It comes from the fear that people would not like what I was doing at the time. When things are quiet and I hear some movement, it reminded me of having my privacy interrupted at home, at work... As I am doing more creative things with technology, media, words and people, the slight feeling of panic became an obstacle.
I also saw that some people in my life are just not for the knowing but to be loved from outside. Which is fine with me. But it took a long time in my solitary room until the light broke through.
