Chocolate

Everything can be seen as a timetable. Soon after we are born our bodies tell us we need to sleep and eat. Then everything else seems to follow as scheduled priorities in life demand attention. As we grow up, learn and work, more and more things pile up. Everything can overwhelm us or be tools to growth depending on how we react our feelings. To be inundated by life can be like spilling hot chocolate on ourselves causing pain, discomfort and a blemish.

To follow a schedule without regard to how we feel is the path to numbness and being overcome. I always thought I tried successfully to follow how I felt about myself, others and life itself more than the obligations by dealing with them well in advance. So starting in school I always finished what I had to do as quickly as possible so I could do what I really wanted to do: like enjoying a cup of hot chocolate.

But following hard times, I found myself feeling oppressed by all activities. Instead of avoiding them, I exercised, cooked, planned, discussed, searched, ate, changed.... with all my being in all seriousness. I waited for some social-economic climax or even some drastic physical transformation to validate my efforts.

Instead of enjoying them, all activities became obligations because I ignored the feeling of fulfillment in living itself, in order to "achieve" some quantum leap in personal quality or performance. I was running my life against myself without feeling like I would ever reach my goal. It was like a dog chasing its tail.

When I see people in my hurried city or incessant pursuits, running around. I secretly wanted to follow their apparent purposeful drive to scurry around all day and all night.

I have changed.

I have finally started to enjoy each moment, every good or bad feeling and encounter that I have again like everything was new. The truth is that if I look past the timetable, I can see myself and the people for who they are. It is not always encouraging because we all fall prey to out own angst and submit to some obligation. But I feel for them now.

As I was enjoying my music, carrying groceries and enjoyed the rhythm on my way home, a young girl and her mother hurried past in apparent stress. I called out "Calm down". Then felt unsure if I read them unfairly. Perhaps they just enjoyed going from place to place short of jogging speed. But their reaction was one of annoyance, frowning at me several times.... So I guess "calm down" is a negative concept.

It certainly feels slowing down is bad for my many friends who are running around. It's fine because I did that all my life and am the better for the experience.

My point is, did I enjoy it? I have a sneaky feeling any enjoyment has nothing to do with ticking "complete" on all the items on my "to do list" or my schedule.

I never would have faced this modern dilemma so deeply if it weren't for my doldrums. It's like being washed of the stains a spilled cup of hot chocolate left on my clothes. I just enjoy the drink now.