Sensibility

"How much I feel the impact of life on who I am" is my personal definition of sensibility. It depends on understanding of both myself and the things that happen. A victim mentality may choose or be addicted to perceiving everything as happening against myself. A conquering personality may choose to overcome instead of submitting to the first response. There are actually infinite number of responses to the same occurrence. This shows the chaos and wonder of humanity, depending on how you see it.

Many people think that only one interpretation is of reality is valid. But it is obvious that we all see the world through complicated filters that they can distort it to our advantage or detriment. This has to do with feelings. They make up who we are and can be mysteriously flighty changing from one moment to the next.

We have devised many ways to numb the effects of "bad feelings" like pain, depression, anger, sadness. Ignoring drugs, we have certain habits that can lift us up out of our lows like exercise, sex, a chat, eating, writing, music, schedules or just keeping busy. To avoid our feeling altogether is just as harmful as being tossed about by them like waves in the ocean.

Making sense of our feelings can be the most important thing we do to get to know our own self. But it is hard because it feels lonely and lack objectivity. For no one really knows how we are feeling except us. And we sometimes cannot express how we feel accurately because we don't ourselves know why we feel good or bad. There are just too many variables.

When I was a kid, it was easier for me to find positives from in all things because not much has happened yet to bring me down. But as I felt like I had been brought to near defeat in just about every area of my life, symbolized by my prison experience, where you are left with your own demons surrounded by negativity all around, with no immediate escape.

In literature to be imprisoned socially or psychologically is a recurring theme. I thought everything would be over upon my release. Yes, it is true that food tastes better, freedom of movement sweeter and you do appreciate the niceties of life much more. I thought that getting back on my feet and getting back to earning a living would mean getting back to normality. After all I was only there 18 days.

But every moment since, seemed to have greater impact me. The ups and downs, hope and hopelessness, happiness and depression.... I tried to get on with life as before enjoying everything more than before but something else changed. I wanted to give up my dreams just to live in peace as I had mentioned often in my blogs, which may have helped weaken my body. But I also gained a new sensitivity that I had lost during many years of "success".

I have changed how I eat, look, see, hear, hope, dream, love, feel..... I feel like a different person today because sensibility is back. But I finally know how to handle them to my advantage. Unlike my youth though, I am able to deal with the dread of the darkest moments.

This is absolutely needed to lead, to create, to chart an new path in life. For no one knows what the next moment will bring. There are few scheduled assignments or preset performance standards. So you cannot know if you are doing well or badly in the grander scheme of things, whose conclusion is unknown without any deadline. It is both freeing and frightening.

So in my preparation I had time to deal with firstly myself and my feelings, those who are close to me and I am free now to seek out new allies on a new journey. It takes time. It's about change, It holds on to hope in all things. And I am psyched to experience each moment the ocean of life will bring.

No wonder I felt like I was in both the desperate almost lifeless calm and the sudden battering or insurmountable waves, that exist in the doldrums of my life. All this is to prepare me for the real thing.

It just took time.