Relief

Before the primal sounding female singers became cool, this 1991 song "Pressure Pt. 1" almost screams "I need relief" and vents in a storm of Ahs, mesmerizing rhythms, chants, Ohs, more primal sounds, proclaiming the need to be relieved from the "pressures of the world" and then calms down a little while testifying someone is there to carry the load. Part 2 was in my last post.

This kind of music is rare in East Asia where the Chinese word to hold-in, to bear it, to tolerate: 忍 (the Japanese use it as the first character in ninja) makes venting a negative thing especially in men. This is reflected in music where such primal sounds, are avoided as being over the top and embarrassing. Pity.

We were made to cry, to shout, to scream, to mourn, to be silent, to laugh, to express ourselves in the primal crying that signals the first signs of healthy living the moment of human birth. Yet for social acceptance, we choose the hide our true feelings. It may save us from feeling shame in the crowd but the pressure that builds can explode at a later time causing more damage.

My family takes exception in that we don't hold back much of our personal pressure so we tend to work through problems. Yet when prison, an oppressive investigation (despite an acquittal), the fear mongering whenever I was contacted made me feel without recourse and near hopelessness except to escape.

Although my life returned to normal, my fear stayed with me. Seemingly for the first time in my life, all setbacks felt like a judgement on me personally. All inadequacies, bad comments I hear and incomplete tasks seemed to make me feel less valuable. So I just thought to live everyday the same, with no waves, would guarantee my fear would not return.

What is recorded in my blogs are feelings when everything I tried to get out of my situation seemed to fail, including those I thought were friends. Opportunities seemed to be no where. It felt like the darkest time personally, putting all my achievements and learning into doubt.

It was during my despair that new friends appeared, the best place I've lived in, new ideas, a patent filing, knowing what I wanted in life and finally, the end of my fear.

Even before my 18 days in a Chinese prison, I had an image of a window with the Sun shining through high above. It turned out to be a window in the large cell for 20 prisoners with a 3 story high ceiling. Lights always on and the afternoon Sun would stare down on us.

My fear caused me to see it like an eye of judgement. Yesterday, the condemnation disappeared. I felt like life had my back, more securely than before.

Because of the darkness and a drought on hope of the past years, I feel stronger, more alive and prepared for whatever the future holds.

Relief from the pressure of fear and having to hide. Finally.