Safe fear

A classic Gospel song sung by everyone from Elvis to Beyonce. This version is at its simplest and most hypnotic. One comment on Youtube was "I don't believe in God but I believe this song."

It's been nearly a year since I last wrote in my dino's to birds blog. I feel the relevance of the title everywhere, all the time, from the rise of populism to the abandonment of deep discussion and thought about the complex issues that a technology led world confronts humanity. What makes us humans or robots, alive or zombies as the world has the potential to move from the mechanistic paradigm to one based on knowledge.

Since my birth in 1962 (around the time of the first transistor radio by Sony) the transformation of the our world to of every growing bandwidth and speed in processing power and memory began. In half a Century the technological and innovative changes have exponentially increased to eclipse all of human history that preceded it.

Yet, the fundamental problems of human nature, selfish ambition, lazy complacency in what we "know" and smug feelings of success because of trophies at the expense of the potential of others, have never been more evident in how resources are invested. While it is absolutely possible to evaluate the potential of each person and tailor education, work, life, leisure to each individual, capitalizing on their innate potential and augmenting their capacity to create, to express, to love, to enjoy.... We resign ourselves to being robots of a cloud of stupid processors.

Expectans Expectavi
BY CHARLES HAMILTON SORLEY
From morn to midnight, all day through,
I laugh and play as others do,
I sin and chatter, just the same
As others with a different name.
And all year long upon the stage
I dance and tumble and do rage
So vehemently, I scarcely see
The inner and eternal me.
I have a temple I do not
Visit, a heart I have forgot,
A self that I have never met,
A secret shrine—and yet, and yet
This sanctuary of my soul
Unwitting I keep white and whole,
Unlatched and lit, if Thou should'st care
To enter or to tarry there.
With parted lips and outstretched hands
And listening ears Thy servant stands,
Call Thou early, call Thou late,
To Thy great service dedicate.

The other hypnotic music that haunts me is the 2nd movement of the Symphony of Psalms by Stravinsky. It starts with Expectans Expectavi which just means wait. The poem was written by a poet who died at 20 during WWI. Considered one of the defining poets who died during the war, this poem is about waiting for the real us. There is a sanctity of being human but it has to be discovered free of the noise of the distracting crowds and their flighty ambitions and judgement.

The symphony ends with videbunt et timebunt which means they will see and be afraid. See and fear what or who? Instead of just saying God, I think I will say truth.

For those interested in what is real will seek it, create it, love it, fear it with all their being. Con artists can (as the saying goes), fool some of the people some of the time but will one day have to die with the shit they create.

As Einstein was accredited to have said "When the answers are simple, you can hear God think." or in other words, the moment we see and fear.

Deliverance

When I search for "deliverance", a movie, an album, religion, exorcism... all come up. The word seems to be about popular culture, spirituality and ghost stories. The song I chose seems to support this view.

But personally, I have experienced a sort of liberation, reboot and inspiration. And it does not feel popular, ecumenical or frightening. In fact, it's become normal and slightly mundane. Yet I also feel enthusiastic and hopeful: like I've already arrived at the destination even before setting off. This is because the inspiration is not about the achievement or failure but the learning, the building and the celebration.

"One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight, for a very long time, of the shore."

Overcome

"Overcome"
(feat. Nile Rodgers)
When your heart is broken down
And your head don't reach the sky
Take your broken wings and fly
When your head is heavy, low
And the tears they keep falling
Take your broken feet and run
With the world upon your shoulders
Nowhere left to hide
Keep your head up carry on
It ain't no time to die
Even though we suffer
Come together we pray
Round the mountain all God's children run....

Simple, uplifting and innovative. Laura Mvula's new single is fantastic. It also reflects a new kind of freedom that I feel as the clouds of the past seem to give way to Sun. The biggest difference is that I'm not afraid of clouds anymore. They are to be expected just like failures and pain and disappointment.

It reminds me of the strange lines from "A Room with a View" where Mr. Emerson said "I don't care what I see outside. My vision is within! Here is where the birds sing! Here is where the sky is blue!"

Outside

"Making do" through compromise and adaptation is a good skill of survival. But when is it right to go outside the comfort zone and make something new? We don't want to be rash and have to come back should we fail right? 

Any turning point in life is about epiphany, an enlightenment, a realization, an awakening... The picture shows how the dark house can light up with Sunlight at the right moment so what was once unclear becomes self evident. 

I've discovered that people are so good at pretending, it is really hard to analyse whether they are being genuine or not. We vacillate, put on masks, try to hide our real feelings just to survive, it is easy to lose site of what we want or who we are. If we can't figure out truth about ourselves, is knowing someone else even possible?

I don't really know how, but it does take privacy, a lot of wandering in the dark until we finally see. I am one of those people seek friendship without boundaries because I want someone to walk with me. Of course I know not everyone will fit but I often don't know when to give up. Some of my "best friends" had to outright reject me before I would leave. I had to learn how to know them from outside.

Those people who influenced us during childhood seem to be hardest to leave, for me. Most have treated me as best as they knew how. But we all have habits that rub some people the wrong way. So I had to get over some of the little niggles that are overblown in my psyche. 

In my time in the doldrums, I mourned some who rejected me without telling me why so I was left to guess. And I'm not talking about partners, just people I grew close to. It still hurt because from my viewpoint, things were going well. So the darkness of not knowing what was went wrong, without any means to find out after leaving, the suddenness of the separation without warning gave me a minor phobia.

One of the most simple yet annoying habit for me is panicking on hearing sounds of people shuffling around. It comes from the fear that people would not like what I was doing at the time. When things are quiet and I hear some movement, it reminded me of having my privacy interrupted at home, at work... As I am doing more creative things with technology, media, words and people, the slight feeling of panic became an obstacle. 

I also saw that some people in my life are just not for the knowing but to be loved from outside. Which is fine with me. But it took a long time in my solitary room until the light broke through.

Sensibility

"How much I feel the impact of life on who I am" is my personal definition of sensibility. It depends on understanding of both myself and the things that happen. A victim mentality may choose or be addicted to perceiving everything as happening against myself. A conquering personality may choose to overcome instead of submitting to the first response. There are actually infinite number of responses to the same occurrence. This shows the chaos and wonder of humanity, depending on how you see it.

Many people think that only one interpretation is of reality is valid. But it is obvious that we all see the world through complicated filters that they can distort it to our advantage or detriment. This has to do with feelings. They make up who we are and can be mysteriously flighty changing from one moment to the next.

We have devised many ways to numb the effects of "bad feelings" like pain, depression, anger, sadness. Ignoring drugs, we have certain habits that can lift us up out of our lows like exercise, sex, a chat, eating, writing, music, schedules or just keeping busy. To avoid our feeling altogether is just as harmful as being tossed about by them like waves in the ocean.

Making sense of our feelings can be the most important thing we do to get to know our own self. But it is hard because it feels lonely and lack objectivity. For no one really knows how we are feeling except us. And we sometimes cannot express how we feel accurately because we don't ourselves know why we feel good or bad. There are just too many variables.

When I was a kid, it was easier for me to find positives from in all things because not much has happened yet to bring me down. But as I felt like I had been brought to near defeat in just about every area of my life, symbolized by my prison experience, where you are left with your own demons surrounded by negativity all around, with no immediate escape.

In literature to be imprisoned socially or psychologically is a recurring theme. I thought everything would be over upon my release. Yes, it is true that food tastes better, freedom of movement sweeter and you do appreciate the niceties of life much more. I thought that getting back on my feet and getting back to earning a living would mean getting back to normality. After all I was only there 18 days.

But every moment since, seemed to have greater impact me. The ups and downs, hope and hopelessness, happiness and depression.... I tried to get on with life as before enjoying everything more than before but something else changed. I wanted to give up my dreams just to live in peace as I had mentioned often in my blogs, which may have helped weaken my body. But I also gained a new sensitivity that I had lost during many years of "success".

I have changed how I eat, look, see, hear, hope, dream, love, feel..... I feel like a different person today because sensibility is back. But I finally know how to handle them to my advantage. Unlike my youth though, I am able to deal with the dread of the darkest moments.

This is absolutely needed to lead, to create, to chart an new path in life. For no one knows what the next moment will bring. There are few scheduled assignments or preset performance standards. So you cannot know if you are doing well or badly in the grander scheme of things, whose conclusion is unknown without any deadline. It is both freeing and frightening.

So in my preparation I had time to deal with firstly myself and my feelings, those who are close to me and I am free now to seek out new allies on a new journey. It takes time. It's about change, It holds on to hope in all things. And I am psyched to experience each moment the ocean of life will bring.

No wonder I felt like I was in both the desperate almost lifeless calm and the sudden battering or insurmountable waves, that exist in the doldrums of my life. All this is to prepare me for the real thing.

It just took time.

Comment

"Comment" in French means how. They say this instead of "what" when asking you to repeat something. Incidentally, "how" has become the focus of my life because many "whats" that I wanted were withheld. Even the patent pending idea of mine is about how technology is used.

Most of society is still obsessed with what. To be the biggest, richest, most powerful, gold medalist, most popular and so it goes. Some cultures desire something more. And I believe all of us want a change in how we live.

When I studied 20th Century French literature, existentialism was a major theme. The absurdity of established reasons for existing was rejected to live in the moment. Freedom from the past and future that seems non-existent if you focus on the instantaneous present was seen as the only way to avoid the senseless things that bog us down. Of course the meaning of order and responsibility are the issues people use to object to the philosophy. Some even judge the view to be immoral.

Yet the truth that we can't fix the past or ensure our future without living each moment of life at a time is more about HOW. It is no coincidence that the best selling novel associated with existentialism is "the stranger" by Albert Camus that sold 7 million copies in French and translated into 40 languages, was actually not intended to be existentialist. He said he only wanted to write about someone not willing to "play the game". The famous first lines of the novel "Today, mom died. Or was it yesterday. I don't know." speaks for itself.

For me, the sensibility of existentialism is to value and live out each moment to the full. I found it really hard because I was used to tending to all the things "on my plate". Sometimes, the extent I wanted to be prepared is much too large to be practical. That's when the popular quote "Life is what happens when you're making other plans" rings true.

Since so many things have become predictable and timetabled in our industrial age, it is natural to assume that once you have tended to the items waiting for us to complete, be it our job, our relationships and even our children, success is on the way. Fulfillment in completing assignments has become a good drug for satisfaction. It is true to a degree.

Except we are not just creatures of habit. A fire sometimes burns inside. We have something to say, want to reach out to people, create something different, want to tell a story with words, music, sights and sound.... It is what makes us human.

But true to the industrial age, we only look at the end result like a product. Not HOW we lived. But as each moment of our lives can be documented and shared instantly with whoever is interested, HOW is more important than WHAT.

I found it hard to focus on the moment because few things in life reach fruition in an instant. We often don't know why we are doing something driven by our passion. The journey is the point. And the product (if any) is just a way to celebrate the life that brought us there.

So when faced with the turning point of the information age, I can see how being grateful for each moment is the essence of reality. If the past and the future depend only on what we do at any instant, HOW we live is so vital. For it is in being grateful, thankful that I am in tune with myself. Once that happens you can decide how you want to live, with or without a concept of God. Either way, you are the only one qualified to decide how we treat each other.

If all of life is about how we relate to our world instead of making some product... well maybe our products will be love, kindness, healing, growth without sacrificing our world for something we use then discard.

These songs celebrate being grateful and thankful for life. Whether you believe in God or not but we can all agree that each moment is a gift we have.

Destiny

I don't believe in destiny if it is a fixed final outcome in life. The only sure things are that we were born and that we will die. What happens in between should be free for us to pursue, amend and create.

So much of life seems to follow patterns we are kind of trapped by our current habits. The worst habits are addictions to harmful things like drugs or gambling. It's easy to over due even good things and have them take over our lives. There seems to be so many prejudices, assumptions and obligations that crowd us, most of us resign to some pattern we find hard to break.

Because everyone else is living a certain way, we will follow. Out of fun, necessity, pressure... I thought I had to actively resist. But a better way is to know what I want.

It sounds preposterous to believe you can actually get what you want. I was taught to compromise, make do, pay my dues, seek out opportunities and climb up some ladder of leadership. All these are good skills to make a living.

This pic is from the game "Destiny" and I feel like the being in a rising vehicle above the planet

But actual living is about HOW I treat people including myself. We all need to create something. The most natural and popular is children. I love children even though I have none. This is because I am pushed by something else that might change HOW we live and love.

Finally, through all the doubts and fears and personal obstacles that have filtered through my years of relative solitude, silence and outward emptiness, I am filled and motivated by purposeful resilience.

Destiny is the deep passion that I had through out my life. I now see there is a kind of pattern that has to do with me and the way I lived, the people in my life and the vision that pulls me. It took me this long to isolate it and follow it through. The outcome is unknown except that I'll enjoy the discovery in people, in expression until the end.

This song rang in my head during my 18 day sojourn in a Chinese backwater prison 9 years ago. I never really paid attention to it before that. It was my way to overcome the marching music that played everyday. The lyrics about strange unexpected things like "Sun goes round Moon", "the snow comes down in June"... rang true for me: Something that confused and oppressed me is for my good.