Is it a coincidence that the opposite words owe and own are only one letter apart? If debt is enslavement to repay then I'm not sure it is a natural universal way to deal with one another. I wonder if God thinks we owe him anything.
Life is free. But a living is not. How much sense is that? If making a living is practical then maybe it's not enough.
To live as if we pay our dues makes little of this life we have. To manage life based on owing each other is more like death than living, slavery than freedom. What is called investment is often just profiteering and putting debt on someone.
Real investment is about people not just money. So a better way to see life, relationships and even investment as nurturing creativity. But to just show up, go through the obligations of the day, is just doing enough to "earn your keep" is a way to avoid making something of my life.
If we're not creating love, understanding, joy, hope... We are giving up our lives to be enslaved by our obligations. Maybe we owe it to ourselves to own our life, not just my living.
The injured or disabled need crutches. They fulfill a real need. What if I'm using crutches when I can walk independently. Addiction is a crutch. We just make judgements on what habits are good or bad. If I use crutches because of a bad leg it's useful. But if they prevent me healing, they become a bad habit.
The most unlikely crutch for me is the security large respected institutions provide. Like all things, there are limits. My prison time was the test of institutional limits for me. I do see the house of cards that all institutions really are. People give them power by their submission even when it's is forced in them.
When I got the letter saying I would have no criminal record from the short but frightening affair, the personal nightmare continued. No matter if I'm treated fairly or not, houses of cards cannot give security.
Governments, corporations, churches, clubs are all useful. They provide some order and stability. We can respect their function and the people who run them. But they can't replace our quest for personal safety, identity and love.
To love my country is different from loving people. It is a personal impossibility to love everyone in a countr. So to say I love my country is a different passion and embrace. I understand this love because nations offer identity, order and security.
But they became the illusions on which my life rested. Humanity is good at building and organising our civilized world. We all want social harmony and progress. But I was addicted to feeling safe because institutions exist.
After 8 hard years I found real security in who I am again. Not even in what I've achieved. They are nice and good to celebrate. But what's done is done.
The most ethereal is money. It's so overrated. Many think money solves problems, create opportunity and gives status. But it's people who do those things with or without personal wealth. If money defines us we are really neglecting the real value in ourselves.
When I felt depressed I tried to rebuild what I lost in money, income, property... None of that happened in the way I assumed. Instead I saw a way forward that uses all my passion my faith and even what I've learned throughout my life.
This confidence was there all along but I was so distracted by my crutches.
This song changed my life. I posted it in an earlier blog. Each time I hear it, I see how the sentiments are so universal. "What will I do today, what will I do tomorrow. That's what I ask myself every morning." "I only want to do something I love. It's that I love, that's the problem."
Rich or poor, we seek what to do each day to fill the loneliness, find meaning, create something... the singer wants to grow tomatoes in the Sun probably because she works in the basement without sunlight. What is my "tomato" that I want to grow?
No one wants to dwell in philosophical or emotional lows, so few dare face or express them. It is in going through the hard things in life that we see the miracle of life is all by itself.
In case you're interested, the lyrics are here which you can translate:
"{La Complainte De La Serveuse Automate}
J'ai pas d'mandé à v'nir au monde
J'voudrais seulement qu'on m'fiche la paix
J'ai pas envie d'faire comme tout l'monde
Mais faut bien que j'paye mon loyer
J'travaille à l'Underground café
J'suis rien qu'une serveuse automate
Ca m'laisse tout mon temps pour rêver
Même quand j'tiens plus d'bout sur mes pattes
J'suis toujours prête à m'envoler
J'travaille à l'Underground café
[Refrain]
Un jour vous verrez
La serveuse automate
S'en aller
Cultiver ses tomates
Au soleil
Qu'est-c'que j'vais faire aujourd'hui
Qu'est-c'que j'vais faire demain
C'est c'que j'me dis tous les matins
Qu'est-c'que j'vais faire de ma vie
Moi j'ai envie de rien
J'ai juste envie d'être bien
J'veux pas travailler
Juste pour travailler
Pour gagner ma vie
Comme on dit
J'voudrais seul'ment faire
Quelque chose que j'aime
J'sais pas c'que j'aime
C'est mon problème
De temps en temps j'gratte ma guitare
C'est tout c'que j'sais faire d'mes dix doigts
J'ai jamais rêvé d'être une star
J'ai seul'ment envie d'être moi
Ma vie ne me ressemble pas
J'travaille à l'Underground café
Y'a longtemps qu'j'ai pas vu l'soleil
Dans mon univers souterrain
Pour moi tous les jours sont pareils
Pour moi la vie, ça n'sert à rien
Je suis comme un néon éteint
J'travaille à l'Underground café
[Refrain]
Un jour vous verrez la serveus automate
S'en aller cultiver ses tomates
Au soleil
Qu'est-c'que j'vais faire aujourd'hui
Qu'est-c'que j'vais faire demain
C'est c'que j'me dis tous les matins
Qu'est-c'que j'vais faire de ma vie
Moi j'ai envie de rien
J'ai juste envie d'être bien
"I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place" or "I'm stuck between a jail and the big blue sea". A Russian diplomat said the 2nd one at the end of the cold war.
Now I feel ready to face the storms and fears of going out into the unknown open waters of new technologies, human interaction and investment, I was still looking for another building next to the jail.
I still wished for some solid institution to enclose my naked life, to make me feel safe inside with stability and predictable outcomes... Anything but face the open waters of creativity. There is safety in adventure, in seeking answers and in challenging the establishment. But most just focus on the risks.
Deep inside myself, I'm seeing the safety that really saved me in the jail, the establishment, tradition... It is not the barriers but the life and love I give and receive.
I wanted to show how safe I feel in spite of risk. A search turned up pictures hugs, locked safes, body guards... ways to shut out danger. The safety I feel is more like I'm paddling out into open waters.
Much of my blog was written under a feeling of a thorn in my side. Finally. There is a new calm in all I do. No less energetic and hopeful, but there is a new peace. Ironically, like my last short entry, the picture says it best.
Is this picture what I am doing? How much of my rushing around, impatience and stress about what has not happened. is just as silly? The picture says it all. A race against time is like chasing your tail.
