Crutches

The injured or disabled need crutches. They fulfill a real need. What if I'm using crutches when I can walk independently. Addiction is a crutch. We just make judgements on what habits are good or bad. If I use crutches because of a bad leg it's useful. But if they prevent me healing, they become a bad habit.

The most unlikely crutch for me is the security large respected institutions provide. Like all things, there are limits. My prison time was the test of institutional limits for me. I do see the house of cards that all institutions really are. People give them power by their submission even when it's is forced in them.

When I got the letter saying I would have no criminal record from the short but frightening affair, the personal nightmare continued. No matter if I'm treated fairly or not, houses of cards cannot give security.

Governments, corporations, churches, clubs are all useful. They provide some order and stability. We can respect their function and the people who run them. But they can't replace our quest for personal safety, identity and love.

To love my country is different from loving people. It is a personal impossibility to love everyone in a countr. So to say I love my country is a different passion and embrace. I understand this love because nations offer identity, order and security.

But they became the illusions on which my life rested. Humanity is good at building and organising our civilized world. We all want social harmony and progress. But I was addicted to feeling safe because institutions exist.

After 8 hard years I found real security in who I am again. Not even in what I've achieved. They are nice and good to celebrate. But what's done is done.

The most ethereal is money. It's so overrated. Many think money solves problems, create opportunity and gives status. But it's people who do those things with or without personal wealth. If money defines us we are really neglecting the real value in ourselves.

When I felt depressed I tried to rebuild what I lost in money, income, property... None of that happened in the way I assumed.  Instead I saw a way forward that uses all my passion my faith and even what I've learned throughout my life.

This confidence was there all along but I was so distracted by my crutches.