Hallucinations

I started blogging because I felt beaten and uncertain. Everything seemed hard and scary as every piece of bad news stuck panic in my core. Although I remained cheerful, damage to my confidence was deep enough to cause depression. It was subtle but relentless.

The picture shows just part of the height I climb everyday just to go out and come home. It used to instill pain every time I go up and down. For so many reasons I often felt too burdened to enjoy rest or even a vacation.

In the last few weeks, I no longer feel so bad. Even though feelings rarely stopped me from much, it was more I had gotten used to panic and to crawling my way out.

While so many of my fears have become milestones of the past, memories can linger and become like hallucinations. Like a mirage, I just have to learn to ignore them and embrace a new freedom.

So now I look up or down the long stairways of the hillside, it's just a way of life. Sometimes tiring, sweaty, but uplifting because my home is on the way. To be enjoyed.

Mirage

A mirage is when the ground becomes so hot, light passing through the less dense rising air effectively curves from the sky reaching our vision. The wavy image of the blue sky and the trees on the hot flat bed, looks a lot like water. If you are thirsty, you'll waste your energy trying to reach non-existent water.

The world is thirsty for the real substance of life. Water is the key element because it is really made up of air (Hydrogen and Oxygen atoms). In Cantonese, a slang for money is water. It acts like water because it must keep flowing to be really useful. Stagnant funds lose value over time like still water that "rots".

In my last post, I said "money is a mirage of success". We need it to live with others, and many measure value purely based on money. This is correct if consumption and real estate actually give us life or true quality in life.

We all know how a home, restaurant, car etc. may look does not guarantee a good time, yet we choose to measure success with accumulation and status. Instead all our most precious memories are made by good relationships enjoying time together.

Love is free. Money and what it can buy is only a mirage of what we really want. Careful what you chase.

Vertigo

The title is wrong because I really meant acrophobia (the fear of heights) which is often misnamed vertigo because of Hitchcock's movie. I believe everyone is afraid of heights but some overcome it.

As with all fears the only way to know you've conquered it is to go through it. But because we are afraid, climbing will be the farthest thing we want to do. So we prefer to stay where we are on the level.

Money is the greatest obstacle to overcoming this fear.  Of course I'm not talking about climbing Everest. The height which scares is to face our potential and passion. Like actually climbing a mountain, people will pour cold water at the mere intention let alone preparing for the journey. The paradox is that although many things require funds, those with a lot of money have more incentive to stay where they are and not climb that personal mountain. 

What if I get there and don't like it. How will I look if I failed? Money is a mirage of success.

The person who'll face personal acrophobia can't ever lose because not climbing towards our passion is where we were all along. Most don't climb so they'll never be afraid.

I guess the easiest sign we are on the way to a higher place in life is fear. Our natural  acrophobia, fear of high places.

Stranger

It's kind of strange that the quote most on my mind lately is "Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." For me, this is about not feeling at home when even animals have shelter. It sounds precarious and sad but I'm not.

It all hangs on what is home? Our basic instinct is to be safe. But even my first memories were about restlessness. School, schedules, expectations, responsibility all seemed to conspire to beat all spontaneity out of me, telling me to be safe, to build a hut, then a cottage, then an apartment, then a house, mansion and finally a fortress so I can retire.

What if we don't belong in a fortress or a house. I'm not saying I prefer to live in the street either but I've learned that at least for me, restlessness is my home. And allowing the yearning to seek out answers, companionship, love, truth in an often chaotic cruel world, is where we belong. Shutting it out cannot make us "safe" but we'll never find the answers our soul seems to be born to discover.

The title is in deference to L’étranger by Albert Camus which begins "Aujourd'hui, maman est morte. Ou peut-être hier, je ne sais pas." Today mama died, or maybe yesterday. I don't know...

Depressing but also true because whether we hold on to mama, miss her or don't care, nothing changes the death. So many try to shake off or escape the sadness that awaits all of us when someone close goes forever. We can have faith we'll see them again but it does not change the departure or how it affects how we feel. 

Feeling like a foreigner and awareness of an impending end of life, is our human condition. It was designed to push us forward, not cause is to retreat of hide. Even if we numb ourselves, the pain of loss always catches up later as the stranger of Albert Camus later shoots a man.

Like the life which we did not have until we were born, this yearning to belong, to share ourselves, to see, to embrace, to learn, to cry out is to overcome our inborn emptiness. We often feel alone. Out of place. Like a stranger.

Finally, I see why this is a good thing to feel out of place. It'll come in very useful for this age of light-speed change to find answers with those who care.

Miracles

So many people think the miracle are the "acts of God", supernatural displays, the Hollywood ending... Even this old cartoon song is correct that any breakthrough is about belief and faith.

In the Israelite Exodus, the people probably did not just get up and leave like the cartoon at the drop of a hat. They were slaves. And it took faith to pack, convince everyone to go and not care about the impending military threat. Moses was a prince but he believed enough to negotiate with Pharaoh, convince his people and prepare for a journey that could have been quite short.

Too much focus is on the esoteric things that are supposed to happen to convince us of change. Miracles for atheists and religious alike is about seeing something most people cannot see and living like the solution has already happened. This is actually called change.

Sugar

Taking a break from swimming got me experimenting my lowest carb limit. It turns out I need some first thing in the morning or else it affects my mood a whole lot.

Like the Mary Poppins song "a spoonful of sugar", I just need a large spoon of oatmeal and I felt so much better. And it's just a daytime thing. A little in the morning and afternoon is all it takes.

I'm almost 52 and still discovering secrets about my body and mood. Discovery is the sugar of life.

Plateau

In the world of IT there's a thing called Moore's law which predicted doubling in speed every 18 months. I'm sure there is much room for progress as new materials and transmission methods will bring back Moore's law. But for now in the consumer space there is enough speed to play, chat, socialize and share with much unused capacity.

Plateaus are good for change because it gives a chance for repose before another round of  metamorphosis.

This is what I feel for myself, the use of technology and even society. Unlike many who keep predicting catastrophe to discourage change, I embrace the upheaval dreams can induce.

Sorry if you want a plateau to be the destination. For even in nature, there are plenty of plains, mountains, valleys... But very few plateaus. It's still nice to take a breath before climbing.