Belong

There was a time when I didn't need to belong. My family provided shelter and home. We moved across an ocean when I was 7 to a strange place that spoke a different language but I still felt at home. Although I needed my family to feel safe, I felt free to be myself because I did not see any conditions for that safety. I did not need to perform or comply with oppressive obligations in exchange for shelter and home.

I felt like that man in the hat looking at a Hong Kong 100 years ago. Compare it to the jungle of buildings today and you can either be amazed or disgusted, depending on your criteria for success. These standards to measure success which seem like good motivation for progress, can also become the limits of growth. I'm sure that non assuming man could never imagine that Hong Kong can become an oasis and then a jungle in the future.

Along with the progress, obligations also multiplied. He had no credit cards, luxury villa (which probably replaces the humble bench of brick and stone now), no career path... And that's how I used to feel before I needed to belong.

Hong Kong culture is about "埋堆-being in the pile" (part of the group or go with the flow), In fact this is the easiest path in any culture. Unfortunately when the flow is in the opposite direction of where your heart leads, the need to belong becomes like a sentence to prison or even death.

As adolescence set in, the need to belong outside my family naturally took over. School, work, church, clubs, cliques, performance, looks... became obsessions. I began to need approval or proof I was valued or that I belonged. Being me, I tried everything. While I enjoyed all of it, there was always a need that drove me to the next thing.

Like everyone, there were falls, embarrassment, trophies, celebration and tears. I didn't keep count until now. The apparent lack of kindness but plenty of silence around me seemed to judge me. No, there was love in my life but it did not dispel my loneliness. And this solitude could not be solved by the social contact or achievement that managed to cheer me up most of my life.

After years of this silence, I finally see that the proof I sought is not about trophies, applause or even a thank you. Many have comforted me thinking I was feeling worthless. I accepted this view too and continued to try all known paths to restart a new mode of life.... But silence persisted.

Like coming out of a dark tunnel that took years to endure, I see I never belonged to crowds, clubs or even a family in an institutional sense. It's like the poor looking man in the had sitting on the Peak observing a young undeveloped world, all that is needed for feeling safe and at home always existed. It is possible to feel at home in a rural back waters or urban jungle, in poverty or riches.

It's great to see so many have gathered in this little area of Hong Kong. All the bling, technology and opportunity cannot change the requirements to be safe, to feel at home and to be strong enough to face tomorrow. It existed when I was young and foolish, but also as an older fool.

If you think I'll end with the glib cliche that I belong to me, then I'll correct you and say:
"I still haven't found what I'm looking for".

I never get tired of this video.